The Art of Holding Space: A Guide to Compassionate Support and Self-Care

In this enlightening episode, we dive deep into the art of 'Holding Space.' We explore the energetic process of supporting others during challenging times and how to maintain your energy field. Discover the golden rules of Holding Space, the mental, emotional, and spiritual intelligence it requires, and the importance of self-care during the process. The episode concludes with practical advice on cleaning your 'container' after holding space keeping your personal energy field clear for future interactions. Tune in to learn about this essential aspect of compassionate support and self-care.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Holding Space: An Energetic Process - Holding space is an energetic process where one supports another during difficult times without imposing personal reactions, judgments, or solutions. It involves creating a 'clean container' for the person's experience, separate from the holder's responses.
• Requirements for Holding Space - To effectively hold space, one must be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared, with personal needs met and the ability to focus and discern.
• Golden Rules of Holding Space - The key rules for holding space include not trying to make it better or change the situation, not asking how you can help, not offering advice, and being mindful of physical touch.
• Clearing the 'Container' - After holding space, it's crucial to clear the 'container', ensuring that the energy held during the process does not linger within the holder's own energy field. This may involve a personal ritual or visualization, such as drinking water to symbolically 'cleanse' the container.
• Self-Care in Holding Space - Taking care of oneself is essential when holding space. The experience should be temporary and not alter one's life path, so adequately managing and releasing the absorbed energy is vital to maintaining personal well-being.

LINKS

Download the pdf guide to Creating a Transformation Container

Experience healing, clarity, and inspiration by working with Amy.

TRANSCRIPT

How to be good at holding space

Amy Hageman  00:01

Hello, my loves! Welcome back to the Living O Love podcast. It feels like I've been gone a while. And I know that we had a fresh podcast episode last week. But that was also sort of an update episode. And I feel like it was half episode half update. So this, I feel is the first kind of real episode since all the summer shenanigans. So no meditation, no reading, this is me talking to you.

Amy Hageman  00:30

And today we are talking about how to be good at holding space. Most of us have heard of this phrase holding space, my definition of that is creating an energetic container for the experience of another. That could be mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual experience, usually, those are all related, but creating an energetic container for the experience of another and you can imagine it as a big ol bucket of water, you got a big bucket, and that person gets to put their water in the bucket. So here's the number one thing that you need to know about holding space, and we're gonna, we're gonna get into the details, but I want you to have this as your overlay.

Amy Hageman  01:18

It begins and ends with you. Yes, holding space is about reflecting and acknowledging the experience of one another being another human, however, or non-human, the process of holding space begins and ends with you. And I want to come back to this metaphor of you're holding a bucket and that person gets to put their water in your bucket. You have to have your own strength, energy, and capacity in order to hold space in order to hold that bucket of water. Do you have the mental capacity to stay engaged and focused with that person? Or do you not have the mental capacity? Are you just running around stressed out? You got too many things on your to-do list and you haven't slept enough? There are lots of reasons why a person might not have the mental capacity, there's no judgment or shame. It's about having the awareness Do you have the mental capacity to be able to stay engaged and focused with whomever it is that you're holding space? Do you have the mental excuse me not mental, emotional, and energetic capacity to allow someone else to have their experience without you trying to fix it?

Amy Hageman  02:55

This is a hard one. Like us humans, we want to fix other people's emotions, that's our default wiring. Somebody else is upset and our brain goes mayday, mayday, red flag, we're not safe here. And now logically, we know better than that it is perfectly okay for other people to have feelings. But it actually takes more energy to allow it than it does to try and fix it. Because of our human brains, and because of our patterning, we can fix it on auto drive by default. We don't even have to think about fixing it. That's what comes naturally to us. Most of us even those of us who are not action-oriented, they will then we'll just have loving suggestions for how you might have a different perception of this. So where you wouldn't be feeling so much pain if you just saw it differently. We just think we can coach them into it. But that's not what holding spaces.

Do you have the stamina to hold space?

Amy Hageman  03:53

So do you have enough emotional and energetic capacity to allow that person to have their experience without you fixing it? I know it's simpler to not fix it. So it's surprising that it requires more energy, but it does it requires more energy to hold space than it does to try to intervene and fix. Do you have the physical stamina? And this seems silly because the actual bucket of water is not a real bucket of water when you're holding space. But our lives are energetic. Our energy conduit is our body, our thoughts, and our emotions and our bodies need to be rested. We need to have a certain amount of energy in order to stay in there and hold the bucket of water and to do it in a way that makes sure that all that water is going into the bucket and not into me. Do you have the energy and nutrients that you need in order to hold space. And yes, this is a physical stamina. This is energetic stamina, this could relate to sleep, this could relate to stress, this could relate to meditation, theres lots of reasons why we would or would not have the stamina. But it's important to be aware of yourself, do you have what you need in order to hold space. And again, this is no shame. A lot of times, unless you are a person that is a coach, or is a teacher, or what have you. A lot of times when we are holding space, it's not as if we had an appointment. And we could plan on how it was going to happen. But it's things to be aware of. So that if you get put in a situation where you feel called to hold space for another, you can kind of be aware of you know, what I'm going to be asking a lot of myself, this is going to be maybe more difficult than usual, doesn't mean I can't do it just means I'm going to take some extra breaths, I'm going to be mindful because I'm tired, I'm going to be more likely to want to intervene, I'm going to be more likely to try to fix a problem rather than just allow for that person's experience.

Amy Hageman  06:14

And sometimes, when these situations arise where it's time, for us to hold space for one another, sometimes we can tap into that divine energetic well that we are all connected to that quantum field. And we will just be able to rise to the occasion because we can tap into that energy that we don't have to make and create and manage. But again, it's important to know where you're at. So that you can be mindful. And we're just about to get to the good spot, spot. Parts spot, I'm not sure. We're just about to get there to the meat of what is holding space and how to be good at it. But I'm going to repeat myself. It begins and ends with you. Are you ready? Okay, let's go. So we're going to hold space, I've got five golden rules for you about holding space. Number one, don't try to make anything better. Don't even try to make anything different.

Amy Hageman  07:14

The goal is not to change the situation or circumstance that the other person is in, or their reaction to the situation and circumstance, the goal is to allow it and to encourage that person's movement of energy about it. Altering the situation and circumstance and altering that person's experience is not the goal. Rule number one, don't try to make anything better, don't try to make anything different. Rule number two, a for your resistance. Then some of us are amazing, perfect, exalted beings, probably angels in human form, that can just perfectly hold space and not have our own thoughts and feelings about it. Most of us are more human than that. So when somebody is saying something that is causing a reaction in you, and it doesn't even necessarily mean that you are having judgment or dismay, it could mean that you're just wishing they weren't in the pain that they're in. So you're resisting holding space for the amount of pain that they're in.

Amy Hageman  08:34

When you feel your resistance or you feel like all don't make me go there. Oh, don't make me hold space for this, like, Oh, I wish it wasn't this hard, or this dramatic or this vulnerable. Whatever that oh, uncomfort is breathe through it, just acknowledge it and release it. All right. This is a stretch for me. This is really a lot. This is uncomfortable. Just breathe, breathe through it. If you can see that. That's what's happening. You can release it and not allow that to be what dictates your behavior. So just note, okay, great. I got resistance. I'm uncomfortable. I'm going to be here anyway. And I want to talk about while we're talking about allowing and resistance, tears, crying and yelling, both of those are actually really healthy ways to transmute energy. 

Amy Hageman  09:32

So if you're holding space for somebody, and they are either crying or yelling, that's not inherently a bad sign. Typically, that's inherently a good sign. Obviously, huge caveat here. If they're yelling at you, that's a problem. But if they're just yelling, because they need to get the anger out of their body, and it's not abusive in any way, it's not about you as long as you feel safe, and like you're just holding space for their yelling. Yelling is a good thing. And if you've ever held space for me, you might even know yelling can lead to tears. And tears can lead to yelling, it is just moving the energy through just moving all that emotional energy stress, fear, whatever it is.

Holding space is not about rescuing anyone.

Amy Hageman  10:16

And I think sometimes people think that this amount of emotion is crazy or inappropriate, or a sign of mental health issue. But that's not actually the case. What we do is we carry our emotions around all the time, but we quiet them, we bury them, so that we can be socially appropriate. Which is great. I'm not saying we should just all be emoting all the time, it's great that we have a lens of this is not the time for me to feel my feelings. This is the time for me to breathe through it and be present and just get through a situation. This is not a time for me to feel my feelings because it might make it about me. And it's not about me right now, it's about this person, or this family or what have you. So it's actually very healthy, to go through our day and not be overly demonstrative, all the time. And then when there is a safe time and a safe container, to allow all that energy out to allow it to move to allow it to dissipate. This is very healthy practice.

Amy Hageman  11:30

And please do not misconstrue me and think that I'm saying we should never cry in public. I'm a huge fan of crying in public. In general, I think we need more emotion in public, not less. And we need to find healthy ways of having that emotion in public. But I just want to reshift things for us. Because a lot of times, if we see somebody at the height of their emotion, our human brains want to make it a problem. And it's often not actually a problem, it's often a very healing moment, it's a moment of release, which can then lead to surrender and acceptance. But we can't surrender and accept when we have all this emotion in our body that we have to repress. And it's just staying in there. So rule number two was to allow for your own resistance. And it is likely you will have resistance when you see somebody having such a strong emotional experience. That's okay. Allow it. Take a breath. Rule number three, do not ask how you can help. Do not ask how you can help.

Amy Hageman  12:46

Holding space is not about changing anything. I know this goes back to rule number one, but we got to say it again. And it is not about you rescuing anyone. You're not a hero for holding space, you are a loving, compassionate person on the planet that is in a community. That's what loving, compassionate people and community do. That's not heroes, that's just Spirit work. Which doesn't mean it's not a pat on the back. It's still a heroic effort. But you're you're not the savior here. Holding space is about acknowledging someone else's experience, giving them a safe place to unload and process. It's not about figuring out how you can solve it for them. And it's definitely not about asking them how you can solve it for them. Do not ask how you can help rule number four, do not offer advice. Do not offer advice. Oh well loves so many of you out there. Just struggle with this. You just do and I see you I get it. I get it. 

Amy Hageman  13:57

It's really hard as humans, holding space is a very hard thing to do. That's why we have a whole episode about it. It's really hard to be with somebody at the height of their emotion and not offer advice. Because our human brains tend to make that height of emotional problem. And so we think we can fix this. We can fix it. And maybe we can maybe we can't but now's not the time. If they ask for advice, point them back to their guidance system. What do they think? What do they feel t resonates with them? You can ask open-ended questions but do not give answers. Okay, rule number three do not ask how you can help Rule Number Four Do not offer advice. Rule number five. This is of last of the five golden rules for holding space. Be mindful of physical touch. Be mindful of course this is going to mean very different things depending on who you are and who you're holding space for. or, and where you're holding space.

Amy Hageman  15:03

Physical Touch can be healing it often creates a psychological and physical safety that is conducive to healing. And it kind of gives that energy a place to go. But touch can also be very triggering for people. So do you know this person? Well, like there's some mindfulness to have here. So if you are unsure, ask, what a hug be helpful. Would you like me to rub your back? Or if your instinct is that you hug and you've already started hugging, will then say, hey, is this okay? Does this feel good? And again, we're not offering physical touch for the sake of stopping that person's emotion. It's for the sake of encouraging if their tears or their yelling are their energy is water - if offering them physical touch is going to encourage that water to leave their energy field and get into the container, then that's the point it's not about turning the water off. It's not about stopping the flow, it's about encouraging the flow into the appropriate outlet.

Amy Hageman  16:16

So those are the five golden rules that I've decided, are the golden rules for holding space. Okay, don't try to make it better. Don't try to make it different. Allow for your own resistance. Do not ask how you can help. Do not offer advice. Be mindful of physical touch. Those are the five golden rules. Now, let's assume you've held space. And it was a wonderful and excellent and good job. Your container is full, you're carrying this big container full of water. So we're not done yet loves it begins and ends with you holding space begins and ends with you. So how are you going to empty that container?

How are you going to empty that container?

Amy Hageman  16:56

Physical exercise, crying, shaking it out doing a meditation journaling? There's lots of different ways, but how are you going to empty that container? Do not just go about your day as if nothing happened, just because nothing happened to you. Because you got this big old container now. So what are you going to do with it? I will say I do not encourage talking in detail about it to others. I'm a talker, I'm an outloud processor. So I'm a person who hold space often. So as a younger, less mature version of myself, my default might have been to go talk to somebody else about how I had to hold space, or, or got to hold space had the opportunity. There are a couple of reasons why you have to really exercise caution and discernment. When you're going to talk about this. Even if it's just like the end of the day, and you're talking to your partner about how your day was. I mean, we want to watch out for gossip. Be you're spreading the energy, like holding space means you've created this container.

Amy Hageman  18:05

And so if you are talking about it in a way, that's not just a recap, oh, yeah, like this was a part of my day if you are talking about it, to relieve yourself of that energy to take some of the load out of the container, then you're you got a leaking container. I mean, literally, if you're thinking about an energetic boundary, if you haven't cleared the energy yet, and you're trying to unload some of what's been given to you. Well, if you give it to somebody else, that's there's almost a lack of integrity there. And I'm not even saying there's something wrong with your moral compass. I'm saying the integrity of your container is weak if you have to unload it to somebody else. So if you're going to share about your experience of holding space, I would encourage you to take care of your energy first. And make sure you're not sharing from a place of trying to empty out the container so that you can have a lighter load. If you are going to talk to others.

Amy Hageman  19:15

Let's say you've taken care of your energetic container and you're just sharing your experience with others. I want you to make sure that you're sharing what is a spiritual truth. So we don't need to get in the nitty-gritty details of somebody had cancer, they lost a child, or their husband was cheating. We don't need to get into the things that are causing that person's e. We need to share the spiritual truth. So someone's going through a dark time of uncertainty. They're going through a time of uncomfortable transformation. They're soul-searching right now. Like there are ways of telling a very true story in a way that honors the real situation without reinforcing a negative story. Because we're all connected in this energetic field. And so when we're sharing these details about one another, other people have their own thoughts and feelings about those details and their energy gets mixed up into that spiderweb with us.

Amy Hageman  20:18

So we really want to make sure that whatever it is that we're sharing, invites, compassion, space holding affirmation, and not gossip, not attachment to the outcome. Not Oh, what's that word, Shawn Freud, you know, we just want to be very mindful about how we share and we want to make sure that we're not sharing as a way of lightening our load. So let me get back to lightening our load, how are you going to empty your container? So the goal is to transmute that energy so that it can be healed. So how are you going to make sure that you are fully into the container before you move about your day, because containers are temporary, they are not meant for you to be like, well, I got some of that water out, I'll just throw the rest of my backpack and keep going. I'll just keep thinking about that person throughout the day, throughout the day, and throughout the day, even though it's a distraction, it's not serving them, it's not serving me.

Amy Hageman  21:20

Containers are temporary. So we hold space, we hold that energy, and then we invite the energy to dissipate, we heal it, we put it down. We use whatever energetic practice we have at our disposal. But don't make somebody else's life flow, become a part of your energetic field. That doesn't serve anyone doesn't serve them doesn't serve you. So this could be a breath practice, where you're just visualizing, as you exhale, that you're releasing energy, any energy that was in that container that maybe is in your energetic, you're just releasing it to spirit to source to light, however, that works for you. And this doesn't mean that you don't process your feelings around their situation. Okay, so I'm going to, I'm gonna come back to that. I just feel like I can feel people's resistance to just being this neutral container. So my other tip for when you have been holding space, and you've got this container of water, personally, I like to physicalize it. I like to jump I kind of like to shake, I kind of just like move my body, exhale, just get it out, get it out, get it out. And if there's something that feels very sacred, very sensitive, then I like to work with my guides.

The process of holding space begins with you.

Amy Hageman  22:44

And maybe I don't have a chance at that moment. But that night, when I'm in meditation, I like to ask my guides, to come help me make sure that I've cleared my energy field of anything that does not serve me. Their heightened emotions were a part of their healing, releasing surrendering process. But sometimes when we are in the space of somebody else's heightened emotion, because it is so loud, even though they're just moving through it, even though it's a process for them, we sometimes grab on to it and carry it around with us energetically. So when you are doing whatever meditation channeling practice, you have to invite your guides to come in and help release you of any of that energy that's not yours to carry. And make sure that they take it and cleanse it and heal it, you don't have to do it, you set the intention and you allow the spirit to do the healing.

Amy Hageman  23:43

Okay, now we're gonna come back to you begins and ends with you. Let's say that you've emptied the container. Then you have your feelings, then you get to look at it. From your perspective. Let's say this was a dear friend of yours, they're going through a hard time. It's not until after you've emptied the container that it's appropriate for you to say. How do I feel about my friend going through this hard time? Am I grieving? Am I angry? Am I frustrated? What do I think they should do? What do I think I should do to support them? Like that is when you check in with your reaction because you're human. Of course, we're going to have reactions to whatever it is we've been told or witnessed. Of course, we're going to but there needs to be a clear line between what that person is experiencing and what they shared in your presence and how you are reacting to it. Those energies are separate, and they should be separate.

Amy Hageman  24:40

So that's why you really want to make sure that you've already done the work of emptying the bucket. Before you sit in the house. How do I feel about this? Like what was my experience of this? And you can't you can't you but you shouldn't, it's not advisable that you really step into your experience of it until you've emptied out that container until you've cleaned out that container. And why do I see cleaning out? If you're an empathetic person or a coach who does this for a living? If you're a person that people talk to, where they just open up when they're with you, then you'll likely be holding space again, right? So you want to make sure that anytime you're holding space, you're starting with a fresh, clean container. Energetically, we don't want residue from somebody else's energy in our space container. What do I mean by that? Let's say I held space for somebody as they were going through a divorce. And later on down the road, I'm holding space for somebody else that's who's going through a breakup or a divorce or might be, I don't want those similar energies mingling with one another. That was that person's experience. This is this person's experience.

Amy Hageman  26:04

And not only do I not want them mingling with one another, just for good energetic boundaries, but also for my own ability to hold space. If I haven't done a really good job of emptying out that container, then I'm not living in the now moment because I've got that Old Energy still with me. And then I'm not 100% holding space, I'm holding space, less, whatever amount of that old energy is that's going to keep me rooted in the past, of whatever that past experience was. So that's why it's important that when we think about holding space, we literally think about the energetic container. Is it full? Is it clean like that we're aware of what our holding space container is doing? Because we don't want energetic residue. Okay, the process of holding space, it begins and ends with you. You've got to make sure that you're prepared. Do you have your needs met? Are you a highly functioning person that day? Because we need to be highly functioning holding space. We talk about it as if it's this lala land woo-woo thing?

Amy Hageman  27:13

No, there's an actual amount of mental, emotional, and spiritual intelligence that goes into holding space. There's a lot of discernment willpower and focus that goes into holding space. You don't just get that from nowhere. So are you taking care of yourself? Are you ready to hold space? When you do remember the golden rules. I'll read them again one more time. Don't try to make it better. Don't try to change it. Allow for your resistance to whatever it is. Do not ask how you can help. Do not offer advice. Be mindful with physical touch. When the space holding has come to an end, for whatever amount of time, find a way to get rid of that energy. And for some of you, this may be an actual ritual that you do. If you've been holding space and holding space as part of your life, then maybe you go when you drink water. And you imagine that as you drink the water it's refreshing your energy, it's cleaning out the container.

Amy Hageman  28:23

Create a ritual if that's your thing. But find a way to empty out that container, and make sure it is fully clean. Make sure that that energy that you so lovingly held that you so lovingly acknowledged and reflected the experience of another make sure that that energy of that experience is not in your energetic field. Holding space is supposed to be a temporary experience. It's not supposed to be something that changes your life path. And if you allow all that energy to cling to you, then that will change your life path for whatever amount of time until you get that energy cleared up. Hold the space begins and end with you.

Amy Hageman  29:09

Take care of yourself loves, I hope you are all doing well. And if you have questions about transformational containers, it just dawned on me we're talking about containers. I have a container. Don't forget Amy Hageman dot love forward slash transformation container. There's a free PDF. There will be a link in the show notes that talks about different ways that we prepare for a container of transformation. There'll be a lot of overlap here. Have a great day love. Bye