Achieving Emotional Mastery Through Tough Love Conversations

Achieving Emotional Mastery Through Tough Love Conversations

Do you want to learn how to have better tough-love conversations? Join host Amy Hageman as she shares her expertise on navigating these difficult and challenging moments with mindfulness and discernment. Discover the best practices for having successful tough love conversations in neutral spaces, tips for calming your stress during the conversation, and more. Join us this week as we dive into the topic and gain understanding to ensure everyone involved in the conversation has a successful outcome!

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Be honest and direct: Be transparent and open about what you need to discuss with the other person.

Choose a supportive, neutral space: Neutral spaces can help foster open dialogue and remove any roles or behavior patterns associated with the particular place. Consider going for a walk together if possible, as this helps emotional energy flow more easily.

Communicate expectations: Let the other person know what you intend to discuss beforehand so they can come mentally prepared and not be surprised.

Avoid sandwiching conversations: Do not sandwich a challenging conversation between compliments or positive statements; this is inconsiderate and can result in confusion and misunderstanding.

Hold space for discomfort: Allowing uncomfortable feelings to surface during the conversation is okay. Allow yourself and the other person to feel whatever emotions may arise without judgment, as this can lead to greater understanding and connection. It's important to acknowledge and move through the feelings to release them.

LINKS

Loving Yourself with the Emotional Bank Account

Audio Only - Loving Yourself with the Emotional Bank Account 

TRANSCRIPT

The importance of tough love in personal growth.

Amy Hageman  00:14

Hello loves! We have a lot to talk about today. I'm so I'm so ready. This is such a big topic and we're going to try to cover it in one episode. I want to start by reminding you of who I am and why I'm here just in case you're new to the podcast. My name is Amy Hagerman, I have a background in leadership communication. I'm also an intuitive, and I like to bring leadership skills and a spiritual mindset together. In order to help people access more love and their lives, that's my, that's my purpose. That could be your ability to receive love, the love that's already available to you, that could be your ability to give love in ways that are unique and authentic to you.

01:02
And within that context, there is the warm and cuddly and nourishing cherishing type of love think Valentine's Day and romantic gestures and cuddles. And then there's also the mama bear the firm boundaries, the the tough times type of love resiliency, and I am here for all of it, or all of it. And today, we're talking about tough love. So what do I mean by tough love? An example of tough love that I'm mostly talking about today is difficult or uncomfortable, that's the tough, difficult, or uncomfortable situations, conversations, and changing behavior patterns that are in ours and or another' best interests. Some examples, taking candy from your toddler, telling a spouse that you are worried about their consumption habits, and holding people accountable to what they are accountable for. Tough loves, very, very important. So that's what the tough love is. It's uncomfortable. It's difficult, but it's important for the best interest of all parties involved, specifically, the person that is receiving the tough love.

02:29
Let's just briefly talk about why it's necessary and important. I think the examples I just gave kind of cover that. But I really want to spell it out for you. We are all here to grow. Tough love is often a very supportive part of the growth process, especially when done well. When we are not given tough love, we are enabled to stay and our smaller selves d not grow. And we're enabled to repeat our old patterns, which often leads to harm in some way. It might be harming that we're not reaching our potential, it might be harm, and it's preventing having a healthy relationship because we're not getting the feedback that we need.

03:22
But also tough love is important because when we give tough love we do it well. It creates over time, psychological safety, and resilience, both now and in the future. If we are telling whether it's ourselves or our loved ones, but if we're telling somebody, you are worthy and deserving and capable of growth and transformation. That's a powerful thing to do for somebody. And we do that by giving them tough love. We're saying yes, we need to have this uncomfortable conversation. So that you can become the person that I know that you want to be so that you can become the person that you are designed to be. And we wouldn't have these conversations if we didn't believe that somebody was capable and worthy of making the change.

04:25
And the change is most likely going to benefit that person. Otherwise, we wouldn't be giving them the tough love. You don't take the candy away from the toddler because you want to be mean, you take the candy away because you know it's not good for the toddler to have too much candy. You don't tell your spouse Hey, I'm worried about how much you're watching TV or drinking or whatever. Because you want them to be unhappy and miserable. You tell them because you think their long-term they're going to be better off if they can change this behavior pattern.

04:56
Is it hard and uncomfortable, right here and now to try to make that change? Absolutely, but is it better for them? And the long term are they going to be happy? Absolutely. So tough love is super important. And your ability to do it well is super important. For every occasion that we give tough love, and we give it well, we train the person receiving it, so that they can grow with love. Or every occasion that we give tough love. We are teaching that discomfort is not necessarily a sign of danger. And that's a huge gift in and of itself.

When to give tough love based on future self-insights

05:42
Okay, so let's talk about when to give tough love. And I'm going to start by talking about myself. So today, I'm having a scatterbrain day and I was trying to decide, you know, alright, Hagen What's the game plan here? Are we gonna get this podcast done? Are we gonna get this other work done? Are you just gonna kind of take the day off? Do you just need to fold some laundry and take a bath and you know, take care of yourself? And it can be tough to know, a the moment, what is love in this case. In this case, I'm trying to figure out how I want to spend my time today. What's the most loving? Answer? And the trick is to ask your future self. I went to my future self. In this case, I went about two weeks, maybe a month out. And I was like, alright, future Amy Hageman. What do you think I should do today? Like, what am I going to do today that's going to make you more successful?

06:42
And my future self was like, you really gotta get that podcast done. Today's the day you need to get it done. But also, you should probably rest a little bit because of, you know, XYZ that's coming up. And so because I went to my future self, and I got that clarity. Not only was I like, Alright, I gotta toughen up, I gotta buckle down and get this podcast on today. But also, I had the motivation and the clarity to say, but I'm not going to allow myself to take all day to get this done. I'm going to focus even though I don't want to focus today, I'm going to make my brain focus and get it done. So that I also allow for some rest. And I have to say, if I hadn't gone to my future self to get clarity on like, what is the more loving thing to do? I think I would have been stuck in the either-or proposition of either I'm going to really focus on my business needs today, or I'm going to focus on my personal needs today.

07:42
And it was when I went to ask myself, what is the right thing? What is love in this situation, that my future self could be like? Well, really, you need both. So buckle down and get it done. So for me today, and like, when to give tough love, sometimes you kind of have to go to the future. And this is true, whether it's for you or it's for someone else. So if you are having struggles in a relationship, whether it's platonic or familial, or friendship, it's like, okay, if I go out into the future, and I think if my friend was still doing XYZ, if they were still interrupting in conversation, or if my husband was still talking on the phone really loud in the morning, before I'm really awake, like whatever the thing is, is my future self gonna be resentful of them at that point. Well, they have rubbed other people wrong. Well, they have done harm. It's like if you jump into the future, on the other person's behalf, there's often clarity there. Is this something that, if we speak to now will prevent something down the road, or create an opportunity for something else down the road?

09:08
And sometimes, when you're questioning if is this a time for giving tough love and you jump to the future, you can kind of go Yeah, this isn't really necessary. I'm feeling like it's necessary in my body, it feels urgent, because I'm really rubbed the wrong way. But when I go to the future I kind of realize this isn't that significant. So I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait and see if this is still an issue. Or if I observe that this is really as big a part of their life pattern as I think it is. Be mindful and give myself some time to observe longer. That's a key trick if and when you're trying to figure out when is the right time to give tough love. It's to jump into the future and see Okay, if having this conversation or changing this behavior pattern is going to create positive opportunity or prevent future harm, then yeah, that's probably a go. But if you jump into the future, and you realize, well, not much has changed, I must just be feeling really triggered in this moment. That's also really clarifying that perhaps there's not a tough love conversation or a behavior pattern that really needs to change.

Giving tough love feedback.

10:27
When you're thinking about whether or not to make a change or give some feedback to another person, I think there are some qualifying conversations and qualifying questions that might be helpful for you. If they can receive the feedback, will it make their lives better? Like in the knowing? Hey, did you did you know that you're interrupting that much? I think maybe you don't know. Like, would they benefit by knowing that? If they don't receive the tough love? Nobody tells them they're interrupting a bunch? Will it put them or someone else in harm's way? In the case of interrupting? Yeah, if you're a person who interrupts a bunch, and you have no idea, then you're likely going to lose some friends or run some people the wrong way. And you might have no idea. So you would be doing a service to this person to enlighten them as to their behavior.

11:32
Now, they might choose to change nothing about it. You giving somebody the information doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna change their behavior patterns, but enlightening them, or creating awareness for somebody can absolutely be a loving thing to do, even though it's uncomfortable at the moment. So those are the questions, will it make their lives better? If they don't receive the tough love, will it put them or somebody else in harm's way? There's a really good filter question. Okay. Now, let's say you're pretty well decided that you need to give tough love. How do you prepare? Think about whether are you the best person to give this feedback, or change this behavior. Because if you're not the best person, then you don't need to give it to him.

12:28
But also, sometimes somebody else would be better, but they don't have the skill set. But like, Would it be better coming from the best friend or the boss or whatever, perhaps? But if they don't have that skill set or that awareness, then perhaps you're the chosen one, my friend. So check in with Spirit on that. And consider a lead-up to the conversation. You need to have an uncomfortable conversation love, or we need to have an accountability meeting. Or I want to check in with you about your experience.

13:05
One of my favorite things to do is to send an email, sending you an email to let you know that I'd like to talk about, I'd like to talk with you about the way that the meeting went, please find a time on my calendar when you're ready to have an honest conversation with lots of open dialogue. Okay, now a lot of us are uncomfortable with the idea of sending an email like that. We think if we received an email like that, for sure we would go into fight or flight, it would cause us panic and alarm. And that's true, very well could do that. But it gives the person time and agency. So they could choose to ignore your email and not book on your calendar. They could wait a week, they could think, you know, I really got to get this off my chest. I'm glad that person emailed, let's go, let's do it this afternoon. You know, it gives them time to have whatever initial process they need to have. It's possible that they have no idea what's coming. And they're like, Oh, that's weird.

14:06
Let's sure we can talk about a meeting. It's also totally possible that they have some suspicions that things aren't going well. And they're gonna they are gonna go into fight or flight. And they're going to do that, Oh, my God, what does this mean? And, you know, as I said earlier, our goal is to set people up for success in the long run. So giving somebody the opportunity to let them work through some of that emotion and alarm ahead of time is a gift. Because they're going to have the emotion and alarm in the meeting anyway. So if they get some of that out ahead of time, they can be more present for the actual feedback. If you spring a conversation on them, like, Hey, I gotta tell you all the ways that you've rubbed me the wrong way, it's going to send that person into fight or flight, and it's going to be really hard for them. To actually calm down and hear the feedback itself. So when we give them that time, ahead of time to process, that's a huge gift.

15:09
And sometimes they're going to make it way worse in their own mind than the situation really is. And that's fine. That's not yours to clarify. So if you do an email like that, where you're gonna say, hey, I want to talk to you about how the meeting went, took some time on my calendar, make sure that you're ready for an open, honest dialogue. Don't follow up with, but I promise it's not that bad, or, but this isn't a disciplinary meeting, you know, be clear, but don't try to coddle because that's actually going to prevent whatever emotional experience they need to have, in response to knowing Yeah, this is going to be uncomfortable, you're going to have to hear some hard truths. Allowing them to get some of that emotion out ahead of time is going to serve you and it's going to serve them when it comes time to have the real conversation.

16:01
Okay, and you don't have to do that in an email, you can do that with your friends, hey, I really need to have a checking conversation with you about the amount of interrupting or whatever the thing is, maybe you're always paying the bill late. And so you let me know when you're ready to talk about it. Oftentimes, when, when there's a reason for tough love, the person has a little bit of a clue, not always, but often. And so you tell them, Hey, we need to talk about it gives them time to prepare, it's a gift. So if you are unsure about whether or not you should be having a tough love conversation or setting a boundary, then take your time journal, meditate, ask for a sign, and talk to your counselor or therapist, we are not meant we're not meant to live these lives alone, even those of us that have all the training and communication skills and maybe conflict mediation. You know, just because you're the one in the position of giving feedback or holding somebody accountable doesn't mean that you don't also need help.

17:16
So support yourself in making this decision. If you feel like you don't have clarity, get clarity. The last thing you want to do is go into a situation thinking that you're giving tough love when really you're just being harsh and critical because you're self-protecting your own ego. So invest in your own clarity. Okay, how to give tough love, prepare your emotions, and strategy ahead of time. Practice what you will say and how you will say it and think it through I'm going to say this, what are they likely to say? And if you want to write it down, great if you just want to practice it in your mind, great, but as you, I would encourage you to write it down, honestly, because you write it out and say it out loud, you'll kind of realize, Oh, something doesn't sit right or something sounds harsh or what have you.

18:11
So as you read and think through your feedback, or your accountability, or whatever it is, try to anticipate what questions they're going to have. And then rewrite the dialogue. And it's possible that they're going to be too triggered in the moment to ask questions. And they may jump to accusations or blaming or whatever. But the more you can anticipate a lack of clarity, the better off you'll be. If your communication does not include the why behind the tough love, whether that's I'm giving you this feedback, because or I'm I'm changing my behavior in this way- because you're in conversation does not include that. Then you need to write a second verse, the second draft, the why is so important. It's motivating.

Tough love and effective communication.

19:10
It's motivating. And I'm going to come back to that. But the other thing I would consider when you're planning for tough love is additional support needed for the conversation. Should a mediator or a caseworker be involved? Whether it's for yourself after a tough love conversation? Should you have some free time plan to go for a walk or take a bath? Like do you need transition time of some sort? And speaking of transitions, if the tough love is like, Hey, you really got to hit this sales goal, or else you're going to be written up or lose your job or whatever. Are you giving them time? Do they have 30 days to hit a sub-goal? Do they have 60 days? Is it a third strike? You're out like, Hey, I told you not to interrupt me and I told you once and I'm only going to tell you once PS that's not going to work. So it's like Are you allowing time for transition from who they are now and who you want them to be, or who they want themselves to be?

20:11
Allow for transition time. Let's go over just some general reminders about tough love is being mindful of the difference between tough love and criticism. When there's a tough love conversation, you're coming from a place of, I love this person. I want them to be successful in their life. I want to enjoy my time with them. And so I'm going to give them this, this feedback. That's different than the feeling of what is wrong with them. Don't they know better than that? Listen, get your life together.

0:53
Those are two different things, you can be having the same, it could be like this person's always interrupting me. Get your life together, yo, stop interrupting me. Like that's criticism. There's another form of I think you probably just don't know that you're doing this because I experienced you as a really compassionate, loving, like holding space type of person. But then when you continually interrupt, it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't create that experience. So I think you probably don't know that you're interrupting all the time. Like, that's more of a tough love conversation than get your life together, stop interrupting people like that's not helpful. So be clear about where you're coming from. And what is your WHY for having the conversation? Are you coming from a place of genuine hope and desire? For their sake?

21:51
Are you giving this feedback in order to feel powerful and superior? Because those are different things? And here's a sub-point. Perhaps you're giving the feedback in order to make yourself feel safer? Like do you feel unsafe in this relationship, for whatever reason? And if that's the case, consider that perhaps it's not a tough love conversation, perhaps this is a new conversation about healing your wounds. And it's not about their need to change but about your need to heal your wounds. So you have to be really mindful about your motivation, or giving somebody feedback. What is theirs to carry? And what is yours to carry? And it's a really tricky thing- because in general, we are responsible for how we think and feel foreign. And that doesn't mean that people don't benefit from feedback. So it's, it's tricky, which is why talking about tough love in one podcast episode is a very daunting thing to do.

23:00
Here's another reminder about love done well. Love is clear. Preparation is important. Because clarity is important. If you listen to any parenting coach, they will tell you not to tell your children to not do something your children are your kids, child. Tell them what you want them to do. So instead of you know, stop hitting your brother and sister it would be a, let's take a break and calm our bodies keep our hands to ourselves, let's figure out how we're going to manage this conflict in a way that doesn't involve violence. Like, those are two different directives. So reminder tough love does not stop interrupting. It's Hey, can you listen in a way that I tell you're really listening to me? Can you ask me questions about what I'm saying? Can you yatta yatta yatta there's a difference there.

Tough love conversations and emotional safety

23:56
Don't forget the why. Back to my example earlier about like recording the podcast episode today. If my why was not so strong, I had such a strong why for why I wanted to get this done today and why I wanted to spend the effort on the outline and making sure this was a really strong episode. I would not have had the energetic capacity to get through the struggle. Whatever the show, you know, not that it matters but it's like if you have your why then that gives you the motivation and the focus that you need because I said so doesn't work. And you have to make sure it's a good way also like if the why is everyone will hate you if you don't put out a podcast episode every week. I mean, a not-true B that's out of alignment and it's a low vibration. So make sure you have a strong why and make sure that you're really tapped into it. it so that you have the motivation that you need to do the thing that's tough. Same thing, when you are giving tough love to somebody else, make sure you have a strong why. I know it's really uncomfortable for us to have this conversation, and I hate having to reflect on something to you that is probably really hard to hear. But I know that if I were you, I would really want to hear it. And this plays out all the time. Like imagine somebody that has food stuck in their teeth, you're like, hey, food in your teeth.

25:38
I don't want to tell you, but I know that you really want to know, you know, we do this sort of thing all the time, we have uncomfortable conversations all the time, because we know the other person wants to know, we know the why. So make sure that you are clear on the why and that your Y is solid when going into a tough love situation with yourself or with others. And here's a communication reminder, I've said this before, but it's been it's been several episodes. So the sandwich method of communication does not work. Over a long time and the leadership communication world, people thought that to have an accountability conversation, you would start with something positive, here's all the great things you've done, I believe in you, you'd insert the negative feedback that may or may not have anything to do with all the positive things. And then you wrap it up with another positive thing at the end. But I believe in you, and this is great. So the thought was that it would leave people feeling better and optimistic about creating the change and that it would create psychological safety in the sense that they would feel seen for the positive aspects. That was the thought at the time. But research shows that that's not how it plays out, it actually creates a lack of trust in those conversations. So the goal of communication is not that every conversation is going to feel comfortable and loving. The goal is to have enough psychological safety for the uncomfortable conversations that can be managed in the emotional bank account, if you're having a tough love conversation, your emotional bank account is going to take a hit. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, go back to Season One, there's an episode. I think it's called an emotional bank account. But you're going to take a hit when you have these tough love conversations. So you, you we should always be pouring into making deposits into the emotional bank account. When you're trying to make a deposit and make a withdrawal all at the same time doesn't work well.

27:43
So just be very mindful. It's okay if the tough love conversation is uncomfortable. It's still loving and supportive. But if it's just uncomfortable, trying to make something that's uncomfortable, feel comfortable, doesn't really serve a good purpose. It just ends up gaslighting. And I'll remind you also about John Gottman. And he did. He's a famous researcher and psychologist and to couples in successful marriages, he's the one who can predict whether marriage will last. And one of the things that he studied Is that healthy and healthy as in the minimum viable relationship, just a functional relationship, you have to have three positives to every one negative, ideal healthy relationship communication is six to one. So just keep that in your mind frame when we're talking about having a tough love conversation. Like if you're in the six-to-one, then allow the one to be there. You don't have to make it feel cozy and pretty if it's not cozy and pretty. Okay, that's not going to serve you it's not going to serve them. It's okay that it's uncomfortable. So that's, that's most of my that's most of my insight for you on how to win and how to decide about tough love conversations. Now I want to talk about where I feel like we've kind of done the like, why how, what, where, when, here's where neutral spaces are best if possible. neutral space is not going to have the same roles associated with it and the same behavior patterns associated with it. And if you're in a new place that fosters open dialogue, just because you're somewhere new.

Tough love in conversations. 

29:33
Ideally, walking, walking is great. physical movement helps the emotional energy to flow as you talk. So if you or the other person that you're talking to is going to have stress, fear, fight or flight. The fact that you're walking is going to help to allow that energy to continue moving. It just means you're less likely to stay stuck doesn't mean that energy is not going to be flowing the whole time probably will. But at least it's not going to take over. Because you're moving in the energies not static, you're not going to get overwhelmed by it, if that makes sense.

30:12
Also, with walking, you're facing the same direction, it makes it more peaceful, because it feels like you're on the same team going to the same place rather than facing each other and being in conflict. So walking is ideal- if that's available to you. If you are normally in person, do not move it to online. I mean, unless this is like an HR, you're firing somebody type of conversation and you have regulations to follow. That's a different thing. But in general, if you're normally an in-person relationship, don't move it online. If you're normally online, don't move it to in-person without a lot of forethought. Okay, sometimes in person is great. But I had a client, this was so terrible. It's not even funny. It's just such a clear example of how we don't know what we're doing when it comes to tough love. I had a client whose boss called her up and was like, hey, it's been a long time, let me take you out for drinks. And this client was like, oh, Amy, you know, I'm going to miss time with my family. And I'm really tired. But I've been I've been wanting, wanting to have some more face time with my boss. And it's, it's long overdue, like, I have felt really undervalued by my boss. So I appreciate that she wants to take me out. So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go and give up the family time gonna go.

31:32
So the client goes out for drinks, and they have a drink or two. And then the boss is like, yeah, we need to talk about work, you're under investigation by HR, this conversation you had with so and so was questionable. And you gotta stop doing that. The client was cleared by HR, it was such a non-event. But in the meantime, this poor woman decides to sacrifice her time with the impression that she's going to be valued by her, her boss, and that there's going to be, you know, a comforting or at least a bonding conversation. And instead, it's the bomb dropped on her. So back to my example of warning people what the conversation is about, give them time, and let them know. And also, don't try to sandwich it. Don't take somebody out for beers and be like, Yeah, I love you, man. Also, you've been really annoying me lately. So like, could you fix yourself? Alright, see you next week.

32:36
Like, please don't do that to anybody. It's okay to let it be uncomfortable. It's more loving, to let that person be uncomfortable and to hold space for them being uncomfortable than it is for you to try to pretend like but it feels good to get this feedback. So be mindful. And in terms of where you get this feedback, what's the most supportive environment for this conversation to be had? And sometimes your options are limited, and sometimes they're not. If your options are limited, what can you do to make it more supportive? It could be something small, it could be that you change the lighting you change the camera direction could be that you have very soft music on in the background. Whether it's supportive for yourself or supportive for another person, what can you do to make the location as supportive as possible?

33:32
So I'm not even going to do a recap of all the things that we've talked about because we're already over 30 minutes. But that's all the thing about tough love. Tough Love is so important, is so important. We have to be willing to go there. We are stunting our growth as a species by not going there. We gotta be willing to go there and we need to do it with mindfulness. Okay, so say I covered a lot of ground, save the episode, and come back to it when you need it. And if you really feel it's worth saving, I invite you to share it with a friend. And make sure you've subscribed to the episode. I wish you all the luck and discernment and energetic capacity and inner intelligence that you need for working with yourself and with others and these self-love conversations of a great, great, great, great week. Bye, love.